The World According to Danny: The Litigation of Leprechauns

Danny Scarmack, Staff Writer

You guessed it! I am back to terrorize your thoughts once again. I am unsure if I should continue to warn you before I go on my tirade. I feel as though if you’re reading this you are more than likely well aware of what you are about to experience. I welcome you back to another of my crazy thoughts and implore you to get a snack this time. If I am snacking while I write this I feel as though we should have a bonding moment. Feel free to join me; not only on this crazy thought adventure but also in enjoying a light snack. Fair warning, the information that follows is not for the faint of heart. I have held this knowledge back from the public eye for a great many years out of fear of the outrage it could cause. This is your warning, do not take my words lightly. Also, I am confident in saying that the conclusion that I reached in my last espionage about nobody new talking to me is because I know everyone is completely accurate and non-negotiable. 

The earth-shattering and riot-causing thought for today is leprechauns. We all know of them, and on this day they are watched for. They go about their day causing as many problems and creating shenanigans of legendary proportions. The problem is that they are too good at what they do. They cause endless dilemmas and interrupt countless busy and important days. The kicker is that nobody ever catches them. However, and since everyone knows me, you all know that I, the great Daniel Scarmack, know and have seen all. I know what you all are thinking, “here we go again he is about to make up some crazy story”, but here’s the kicker. This story is not mine. I have received a sworn testimony from a dear friend of mine. I am proud to say, at nearly 19 they still swear by what they saw. As much as I would willingly share their information so you can ask them yourself, as it is after the publication of this thought I will have to go into hiding to avoid the government agents sent to silence me if you are catching my drift. 

It all started on Saint Patrick’s day similar to this, nine years ago today in 2014, my confidential informant sat in a school lunch period similar to the ones we still have today. They were eating their lunch like they would do every day, however today they were constantly weary of an attack from the dreaded and feared leprechaun. When suddenly out of nowhere a small man dashed by them, they barely caught it in their peripheral vision, but as they snapped their head to follow the little man they watched him travel at what can only be described as “the speed of light”. Before they knew what happened, the little man was gone. They quickly forgot about the shocking discovery and they continued to eat their lunch. As they headed back to class they had a sinking feeling in their stomach. When they returned, the classroom was in shambles, confetti littered the floor, desks were flipped, chairs haphazardly thrown, and gold coins everywhere. There was undeniable proof that it was the work of a devious leprechaun. As they frantically told everyone of what they saw, they were met with crazy glances, for most do not have the mental strength to understand such a vital discovery. It was a leprechaun and nobody can say otherwise. My informant caught them green-handed and nothing was done to stop it. 

You may think that that is all that is to be said on the matter, but you are wrong. It would be absurd to think I could leave this in such an improper and unfinished state. Now that we have proven without a shadow of a doubt that leprechauns are real, we have some serious issues to discuss. In what fair and just world are they allowed to act on whatever whimsical idea that they can scheme up in their little delinquent minds and receive all the credit but face zero and I mean absolutely no repercussions? I am calling upon all of you to fix this injustice, Saint Patrick’s day should be a day of shenanigans not just for the entitled and criminal leprechauns who apparently are above the law, but for all people no matter how big or small. It is only fair that such purge-like lawlessness is granted to all citizens of the world, not just a select few who happen to be the greatest criminal masterminds of all time. It would be irresponsible for us to let them enjoy all of the fun and not attempt to beat them at their own game. 

Therefore, according to me, from henceforth Saint Patrick’s day shall no longer be held prisoner by the little men who come to terrorize us without consequences, but will be enjoyed by all. I am declaring Saint Patrick’s day as a day of shenanigans without consequences. All may do as they please causing as many disruptions and dilemmas as they please. This is our chance to take back our holiday from the clutches of the weak and afraid leprechauns. They have flipped their last chair, and disrupted their last meeting, for today is our day of vengeance. We all must take up our duty as supreme societal beings and put our foot down. Today we go to war, never to look back. Today we take back what is ours. Today. We. Will. Cause. Mayhem.