The World According to Danny: Valentine’s Day

The World According to Danny: Valentines Day

Danny Scarmack, Junior Staff Writer

Hello! Welcome back to my segment, and you guessed it; I still do in fact make the rules. I will continue with the aforementioned tradition of starting each of these strange works of literature with a synopsis of whatever I am conjuring from the depths today. You are in for a treat as this time I will be sharing my truest opinions on the single worst day of the year: Valentine’s day. I am about to give you an in-depth view of the obscure and nerve-racking thoughts within my mind. In my previous thought experiment, I challenged someone who has never talked to me to reach out and have a conversation. Since I have received nothing of the sort, it leaves me with three options. Number one, very few people are reading this, which would really be a shame. Number two, the people who have never met me are too afraid to hold a conversation, which is reasonable. Or, number three, I am too popular and too well-known for there to be anyone left new for me to talk to. Since I am not vain in the slightest, it is obviously the latter. Enough of my endless rambling, and on to the groundbreaking thought of today. 

The inquiry of today has to do with a dreaded time by all people in society, the single most feared day by us all; the infamous Valentine’s day. Most are afraid to share how they truly feel, but I, the courageous and fearless Danny Scarmack, dare to go where no one has gone before and share the truth of this dreaded holiday. Let me start by sharing a nightmare that all people have had at least once in their lives. 

It’s February 10th, and you wake up to a peaceful morning, but then it hits you, Valentine’s day is in four days. What are you to do? The stores have been picked over and all that is left are the rejects. You scramble to get yourself ready for the day knowing the terror that lies ahead. You have four days to figure it out, and not a clue how you are going to do it. The days fly by as you dart from store to store like an absolute madman, by the thirteenth you are driving over an hour just in hope of reaching a Walmart that is in stock. Alas, you cannot, so you settle for the box of chocolates in the shape of a heart. A cute little teddy bear that has a strange stain on it and has a cute little banner that says “I love U”, but the U was stitched wrong so it looks more like an “L”. Lastly, and worst of all, you settle for the least decayed bouquet you could find. As you anxiously rip the brown petals off to try to make it appear that there is some life left in these flowers. Once you realize that you are pulling off most of the petals you resort to using sharpies and markers in a Hail-Mary effort to bring some color back to your zombie flowers. The sunflowers practically have the same demeanor as you with their wilted and droopy petals. The random assortments of grasses they threw into the bouquet are now 17 different colors and the Crayola markers you used to color them in did nothing to help. You wake up the next morning to go to give your embarrassment of a gift, shamed by what you have come up with in the year you had to prepare. Somehow you still spent close to $100 and you know it wasn’t worth anything close to that. You give your special person the gifts just for them to put the chocolate on top of the unopened heart-shaped chocolate box identical to the one you just bought this year. The bear finds itself stuffed in a closet somewhere and the flowers are dead in a few hours. They didn’t even live long enough to make it to the vase.

This is the nightmare that far too many people are faced with in today’s world. The pressure to live up to the standards on Valentine’s day is crippling and has resulted in a flat-out war for who can achieve ultimate Valentine’s status. In the pursuit of this, we have resorted to spending more and more money. According to estimates from the National Retail Federation we are estimated to spend on average close to $200, this number being up nearly ten percent from last year. Now, this number is absolutely absurd. That statistic right there is reason enough to colonize mars or any similar expedition. As a species, we need to realize what is important to us, and I can tell you what shouldn’t be. At the very top of the list, the least important thing is shelling out hundreds of dollars each year to show the people you care about just one more time how much you care about them. What I want to know is what in the blazes are people doing 364 days of the year that is so awful that they need to spend more money to prove that they actually care. Seriously, I don’t know about you but I make the people in my life feel valued enough that they don’t need some little heart candies to make the person feel cared about. 

I capitulate that I have been a slave to society, a sheep blindly following a flock of foolish lovers who feel as though they can make a difference through this one good deed. It was the single worst decision I have made in my entire life. The fact that I felt pressured, by a day of the year mind you, to show the person I was in a relationship that I cared about was most definitely my greatest regret. I would even go far enough to say that when I am rich and famous someday in the not-so-distant future and I am being interviewed I will sit there and say the very same thing. The process of giving a special someone a completely obsolete gift is awful and I am here to inform you all that it is doing nothing to help you. The fact that as a society we even need a supposed day in which we are nice to the person we are in a relationship with is shameful. It’s February 14th, and oh yeah, today’s the day you have to be nice to the people you love. This nonsense can no longer be stood for. I demand that we rip valentine’s out by the roots and cast it into a blazing pit. 

According to me, Valentine’s day is a holiday for people who have no care for their relationships. It is their half-hearted and feeble-minded attempts at making wrong what they have done to their partner. It is a scam, it is fraudulent, it is worthless, and it is the holiday of ninny hammers. Words are not powerful enough to describe the rotting stench that Valentine’s day leaves behind. I am here to free you of the chains that bind you to this idol-toting, ill-ridden day, that only comes to take from you. Those of you who will continue to look forward to this day from henceforth shall be shunned by all, and cast out onto the streets, for there is no place for such filth in modern society. Oh, and here’s a crazy thought, maybe we can show our appreciation throughout the year so we don’t have to spend such an ungodly amount on one day. That’s just a little bonus thought I decided to throw in there for your benefit. However, it didn’t come without a price.